Not Well...

l don't feel good...I think I must get over this again. I am tired of hurt.

If I was religious would the divine he/she help me?
But then why did they cause this pain?

Yes, I blame something or someone else for my hurt. I should take responsibility for my own pain...But it is still pain.

Loneliness of the Runner

I was running in the German countryside today. Winding my way over windswept, rolling green fields, passing by huge shaggy cows who balefully peer at me.
The wind turbines were silently turning on the tops of the hills.
It was lunch time and the narrow lanes were deserted...

The cattle here are big and shaggy brown. They stand or doze listlessly on the sloped fields. Indolent, yet with some form of wisdom behind their deep dark eyes.They ignore me as I run by, but I feel they are my friends. They know I will not hurt them...

The wind turbines swing their huge arms above me, and I sometimes feel that they are waving to me.
Running in and out of tiny villages, I kept on and on. An old man wished me good day. Stout and stocky limbed farm cats sunned themselves on the road side... Everything seemed alive. Tiny spring flowers push their first shoots up through the dark soil. They make faint vertical clumps of purple and white against the black earth.

I want to say something, but can't quite get it right. I do fear being alone, but feel love in my heart.

Poem for Today

Possess

I want to own you,
Capture and enrobe you,
Drive you to stay with me,
Compel your love.

But it can't be.
You've got to come on your own,
Padding towards me,
On your delicious and soft feet,
Come to me.

In wanting to possess you,
I seek my own submission,
I want to belong to you too,
Hoping I can be trapped and kept,
Close to you - like the keys around your neck.

Lock me up,
Don't let me go.


March 2010

Poem for Today

Made Into Your Toy


Mechanical toys,
Cheapest of thin metals,
Primitive and repetitive.

They wind themselves down,
On rubber wheels,
Rolling and swaying on my tabletop.

A small tin monkey beats his drum,
Marching steadily to the end of the table,
Waiting to go over the end.
He must be in love too.

Dec 2009

Tea...Rain and Clouds

It's the simple pleasures I miss most when away, so I try to replicate them wherever I am.

For instance, the weather is damp and cold, with a constant drizzle. But after walking in it, I feel like I have accomplished something: almost like I finished a mini-expedition somewhere.

When I get back to my room I grab my small electric kettle and in a few moments get a "brew-up" and am settling down with a hot mug of tea. Life looks good...The high-fiber fudge pop-tarts are not bad either.

Snow...

Cloudy days, constant snow. Had a few hours of glistening sunshine yesterday though. There was also a lessening in the snow. It started coming down as a very fine dust. In the sun it sparkled, and charmed me.

In the last month I have been in 2 accidents, (I was not the driver in either), and one awful near miss. Two of these events involved snow, and I find myself pretty sensitized to driving in it.
During the two events in the snow -which involved skids- time was drawn out and the awful feeling / calmness of not being able to do anything enveloped me. Don't want to be there again, so I am riding the train tomorrow. Hoping for a break in the weather this weekend...

Poem for Today

Spent some time with my parents last month...They seem older and more frail...Thought of this poem.

Gray

The sky over my parents house is blank,
Gleaming pale,
Like a vast fluorescent bulb.
With the air heavy and moist,
I wonder what solace I can bring.

In two years they have aged ,
and I forget that I have too.
With all my losses and gains,
My sicknesses of heart
and traveling for love,
Of losing and finding it, and fearing it.

The folks remain simple - older, scruffy,
and sometimes smaller.

So, I don't mention my sorrows,
I tend them.
But I feel alone too.


January 2010