Finding a cure...

Trying to find a cure for not missing someone...

I walk in the cool grey with the drizzle coming down... Definitely could be colder though, because I am not even shivering. The world is damp green, and mud brown. The sky seems bored and is the color of an over-washed white t-shirt.
In the sun, it would all seem verdant.

The leaves are mashed into the ground and are forming sort of a murky yellow carpet of slush. There is some faint color though. Some sort of strange red berries are all over the ground. They are small, but are a glistening hard scarlet against the mud.

What does missing someone feel like? It seems like a loss; a sense of grief... But if you feel the other person may be thinking of you also, then there is a sweetness there too...A lingering pleasant taste, like the kind you get from the cheap spice cake that they sell here.
It almost feels like there is something to come home too...A warmth - a joy underneath the fabric of sadness that makes it bearable...

Too many words here, and I feel that no description is good enough for any human emotion.

Poem for Today...

Wanting...

In wanting you this way,
In having acquisition,
Possessing and keeping,
Even with squashing you tight in my hand,
I still don't know what I need.

Maybe, it's the moist beat of your heart,
Your own desire,
That makes me gasp silently.

In wanting to understand it all,
I try not to think too much,
Or to hold you too close.

Squalor

I have been living mainly in one room (not one bedroom, just one room), shared bathroom accomodations for about 21 months now. I am pretty content... I have had some breaks in between too, perhaps that is why I am pretty much ok with it.

However, one problem with living this way is keeping track of documents and paperwork..."Where did I put that gasoline ration coupon ?" etc. This means that I am often digging through assorted items of junk to look for something. My place is too small to have an effective filing system, or cabinets etc. Sometimes, I do get frustrated with sorting through all the trash of my transient life...e.g. receipts, notes, folders, plastic bags filled with paperwork.

I am leery to throw away stuff I might need, and only recently started drinking out of regular glasses...Have been, and still often do, use small jelly jars for beverages (perfect size and shape for one's hand.)

Sometimes I feel like I am living in squalor, and get fed up...I leave my uniform on the floor...I'll have to wear it in a few hours anyway, and grow insipid and callous.